Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Seismologists have confirmed the cause of the quake in DC today was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth!

   My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.

   Beer goggles are a myth. Alcohol doesn't make ugly girls look prettier. It just makes you not care that they are ugly.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some taste.

   I absolutely HATE when people put song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   It's not that I hate mornings. It's just that I'd wish they'd happen without me.

   It's sad this past week's earthquake is the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in sometime now.

   If they would have had Facebook when I was in college, I would still be in college.

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook... I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   Has never seen ONE person look cool while waving at the camera in the background of a live news report.... especially on College GAMEDAY.