Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   I hate to sound racist, but all Oriental rugs look the same to me.

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.

   If you get any dumber, you might wanna put your helmet on.

   I had sex with an ohmless person last night. There was very little resistance. (most of you will be too dumb to get this)

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.

   “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can't you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.