Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

   I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.