Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   Like this status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail...

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   Well-behaved people rarely make history.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.