SEAN Funny Status Messages

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

   My God.....even I!M not white enough to like Michael Buble.....

   Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

   Japanese has so many characters, their alphabet soup comes in two separate cans.

   I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   Don't lie, cheat or steal. The government hates competition.

   The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.

   We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

   With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"