Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   Admit it, once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed.

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   I don't believe I had the pleasure of meeting you, I mean I got your friend request, and accepted, greeted you, never heard from you! On the other hand, I do believe I'll have the pleasure of deleting you, that is certain.

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."