Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I performed at a charity event last night for women with no legs and I gotta tell ya fellas, that place was just crawling with ass…. Literally!

   Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   Other than changing your email to something other than jizzbucket4u@gmail.com, I'd say your resume looks pretty good.

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   Happy 4th of July!!! Enjoy: BBQing, setting off fireworks, and if you live in the country, shooting at random sh!t.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   Picnics are dumb because five minutes after you eat your sandwich you're just a jackass in the park sitting on a blanket.