Funny Status Messages

   Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?

   no those pants don't make you look fat, it's your ass that makes you look fat.

   Wish you were here w/me n my room, on my bed, lights off, under my sheets. So that I can show you my new watch dat glows n da dark!

   Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   made two batches of brownies at a friend's house, one plain and one special. accidentally brought the wrong batch home to my very mormon mother. she's laughing her ass off at george carlin right now

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   realized that a dog is truly a mans best friend. Locked the dog and the wife in the car boot for 1hour. Guess who was happy to see me and who wasn't??

   thinks that iPad is an iPod for fat people.

   There are 3 kinds of people in the world. One is the solution to the problem, one is the problem, while the other is wondering what was the problem???

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.