Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.