Funny Status Messages

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   I just realised Chewbacca carries a Purse!"

   voices inside of his head, but they're speaking in spanish and he can't understand them

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   There is actually a "man vs wild alabama". Bear said "this is going to be one of my toughest challenges ever". He's obvously seen "deliverance".

   could never understand why the ghosts on the TV show "Ghost Whisperer" didn't take advantage of the fact they could sneak around and see Jennifer Love Hewitt naked.

   rapping with Dr. Seuss. That dude has mad skills.

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   until money changes color, my favorite color is green.

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Then start swinging. Make it hard for them to hit a moving target.