Funny Status Messages

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   Have you ever had your tea iced? .. Your welcome

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   not feeling so good I got chocolate wasted last night.

   all I have to say is ..... HADOUKEN

   once told that girls are like a good pair of shoes... you have to break them in!

   Remember when TV was free?

   Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

   Everything is better in slow motion!!

   Women are SO lucky! They get fat, they get big boobs, we get fat, our wiener just looks small.

   "You should just smile & blow me cause I deserve it!" - Mel Gibson

   The Makers of K-2 has just come out with another break through synthetic, called J-2. Its Synthetic Jesus in incense form. No need to go to church now, you are automatically saved from hell fire and damnation! Side effects may include speaking in tongues.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.