Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   I always wonder when somebody post "gym time" on their wall and people actually like it... does this mean people know you are fat and they "like" that you're finally doing something about it?

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.