Funny Status Messages

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.

   You know who sucks Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   Sex is a lot like air..You don't realize how bad you need it until you don't have it.

   My Hamster has a developed an issue. He slides money out of my wallet and eats it. Seriously! $40 this week, so far. Renaming him "Government".

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   Hey, someone finally won! Celebrate irresponsibly.

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of vuvuzelas suddenly buzzed out in unison and were suddenly silenced.

   Next time the Court of Justice selects me for Jury Duty , I'll bring an Octopus ...

   are the watermelons being sold outside suppose to be better than the one's at the grocery store???

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   got so drunk last night that he apprantly had sent a text to his friend saying "dude, partys great, but were runnin out of alcohol, so email me a pack of captain morgans, then head over."

   Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

   I would text you back, but I have no signal.