Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA

   I'm not an alcoholic! I just walk around with a mouthful of whiskey, so if someone says something stupid I can spit and light their face on fire.

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...