Funny Status Messages

   Twilight's like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

   running down the street bare footed to get to ice cream truck on time!

   As a white person, I was offended on just how "white" the cast in Twilight Eclipse were.

   saw a whino eating grapes. I was like "Whoa, buddy. You have to wait....."

   Hey girl I want you to lay in my bed and pretend your knees hate eachother

   figured out how to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico......put a wedding band around it and it will stop putting out

   I went to the movies cause people wanted to see Eclipse, So I slowly covered the projector beam. Caused a riot, at least I got a better show than what that movie would have been.

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   "Cristiano Ronaldo's Spitting Mad at TV Camera after Portugal Exit".............dis shows what a loser he is ..............:P:P:P

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   determined to slam a revolving door...I will do this!

   Maybe its called Eclipse because they plan on playing a better movie over it, like Bob Villas rendition of how long it takes for paint to dry

   these keys I hold in my hand open up a very important part of my life,.. your chastity belt

   Tropical Storm, hurrican Alex, is expected to hit the Gulf of Mexico today/tomorrow. They're saying it may interfer with the cleanup from Bp's oil spill. That's too bad: because it's been going so well.

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   I'm starting to get a bit worried that Canada isn't going to win the World Cup this year.

   It's simply way too hot today for me to believe global warming is real.

   I wouldn't mind all the diving and faking in soccer if, at random times during each game, a trapdoor opened to a pit of hungry crocodiles.

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, lady, it makes you a horrible driver.