SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.

   The key to staying relevant? Don't die.

   Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   I bet pyromaniacs were jonesing pretty bad before that first caveman figured out how to make fire.

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war.

   I wish I had a Strategic Beer Reserve to tap into.

   Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.

   2% of patients in mental hospitals are faking it, and are really just there for the cheesecake.

   Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.