Funny Status Messages

   Every time I see that one mattress commercial that attempts to gross you out by saying your mattress doubles in weight after 8 years due to dust mites, sweat and dead skin. I always think to myself, why leave out the big contributing factor? Happy Endings

   Other countries would fear us more if, instead of a nickname for a holding cell, the "Drunk Tank" were an actual weapon.

   going to snatch a kiss, or vice versa!

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   I think I am going to try the Pizza, Chicken Fingers and Little Debbie diet. That's all my daughter eats and not an ounce of fat on her.

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   For sale: Mini large-screen TV. Save space! Only 27"! Also available: giant portable TV. A whopping 27"!

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.

   Try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Your body, too.

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.

   I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.

   If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats? Shame.

   I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.

   Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is yelling.

   There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.

   remembers being a kid thinking "I wish dad would pull his pants down from below his shoulders." Now I wonder if my grandkids will be looking at my son thinking "I wish my dad would pull his pants off the ground."

   finally figured out what mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.