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Whenever I eat Nerds and Dum Dums, I always follow up with a few packs of Smarties.That way everything evens out. :) 
Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.
Man who fish in other man's well, will problably get crabs!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ???
The UK team visited a South African orphanage."Its so good to brighten up for these sad people who are in a hopeless situation," said 6 y/o Mbutu Niaryi.
Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!
US troops went to Africa and built them houses and schools and then brought them food. The Africans smiled and said thanks for being the greatest country in the world.
how do you lose a war against a country that is not even formed yet? I do not know but just ask a Brit.
so.. my lawyer says to her lawyer if she thinks she gettin that yacht then she's a little dingy
When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuch Norris.
You never lose by loving . You always lose by holding back !!
Going to break the awkward silence.
How many damn vampire movies and shows has there been since Dracula up until Twilight Saga?.....Somewhere between the number of 40 and overkill of film.
dear mosquitoes, ur not welcomed here just because the ligt's on...this isn't Motel 6
What part of hippomonstrasesquipphobia Dont you understand?
got a nice little stomach bug last night. I must have gone to the bathroom at least 30 times today. Now I know how Jake Gyllenhaal must have felt crawling out of that tent the next morning.
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they will all think your on drugs!!
Women are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to buy them, a club to kill them and a spade to bury them
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
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