MTQ Funny Status Messages

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.

   $ex is the most common event that draws people in to things. Be it sales, facebook posts, etc. I always felt that $ex is not the most important thing. And I've managed to instill this philosophy in all 18 of my kids.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I don't want chicken. I want Manicotti. Manicotti-fil-A. Now we're talkin'.

   I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

   Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?

   If you have a facebook page that features both you and your girl....you're a h0m0.

   Have you ever broiled a turkey for Thanksgiving? It's not bad if you don't mind your turkey a little rare. Okay, very rare but....

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.

   Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.

   Winners in Arizona and Missouri. The Arizona winner will blow it all on skin lotion, and the Missouri winner will blow it all on having someone prove to them that they actually won.