Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

   In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   No I did not watch the Royal wedding! What's the big deal? Two things kept me from watching it. They're called tesicles.

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   ...and thats how the U.S. outdoes a Royal Wedding.

   So the NSA will stop molesting me at the airport now, right?

   Because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

   I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...

   I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.