Funny Status Messages

   Good morning, and a Happy Hurricane Season to all.......

   True love is never having to say "How was I ?"

   Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.

   Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say , "Don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea."

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   soo The Humane Society says donations can help homeless animals, but I find it's easier to just give a couple bucks to every stray cat I see...

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.

   Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?

   Just once I'd like to go into a bar bathroom and under the "For a good time call-" written under it: B- ..4 out of 5 stars, would call again

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   Jackson 5 Reunion tickets now on sale for 20% off.

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   I don't drool.. I shed mouth tears of joy!

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.