SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Thought an owl threw up in my bed but no apparently I ate half a granola bar in my sleep.

   Saw a baby holding a silly green cellphone rattle, fat colorful plastic keys and a KEEP MOVIN' shirt. Take the hint baby, grow up & get out.

   Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   I wish personal ads could be honest, like 'Toxic seeks Self-Loathing.'

   And here's your Valentine's Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

   It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.

   First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.

   I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   I'm afraid if we keep calling Jeremy Lin an Underdog, his family will eat him.

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   3-way stops make me think that one of the stops doesn't really want to do it, but wants to make the others happy.

   The Perfect Plan: 1. Shoot boss with arrow. 2. Blame poor AT&T coverage for not calling 9-1-1 in time. 3. Tell police it was Cupid.

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.

   Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.