SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Sometimes when I say "I guess" I'm not really guessing. Feels good to finally clear the air.

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.

   My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.