SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   "For God so loved the world, that he leggo his only begotten Eggo." --if breakfast was a religion.

   Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

   I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so screw you babies.

   Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.