Funny Status Messages

   America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs

   Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".

   I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.

   How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   "a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"

   Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!