Funny Status Messages

   Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money.

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   Thanks to the last 8 years, at least the east side has plenty of vacancies!

   Why are people so upset about Kellyanne Conway on her knees in the Oval Office. This just happens to be the first time this event has been captured on film

   I thought they said it was a "Joint Session". No bongs, no puff-puff-pass...hmph, joint session my @ss.

   Get over the Kellyanne picture folks, it's not the first time a woman has been on her knees in the White House. Sad!

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   I can't believe it's not February 29! What happened to February 29!?

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   Feminists are giving Kellyanne a hard time about not sitting "ladylike" on the couch. These are the same women who dressed up like va-jayjays and went on a march.