Funny Status Messages

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   Ever have one of those nights you were almost involved in a threesome, but one hand fell asleep. . .

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!

   Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.

   I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.