Funny Status Messages

   there is a midget in line in front of me at the Walgreens. He has a bag of pork rinds and a box of condoms...my question...which one do you think was the impulse buy?

   suppose evolution is true,a million years from now we'll have oil producing fish.

   fighting crime at the source...i'm donating to Planned Parenthood.

   I don't know if I Should be mad at you or my phone.. because when you called me under "Restricted" my phone didn't use your specific ringtone. so now I'm stuck talking to you!!"

   do you really want Miracle Water made by Rev. Peter Popoff.com

   'Me and my shadow' my @ss...whenever I get caught, that b!tch runs!

   thinks that the reason I find FB so appealing is because it reassures me that I am not the only one that is not normal.

   Fashion tip of the day: Girls...when your toes have to grip the end of your "open toed shoes" when you walk, its probably not a good idea to wear them!

   Alcoholism is a progressive degenerative disease, or in lamens terms, "the afteraffect of marriage."

   running out of time and screaming at the flying monkeys

   Everything in this world seems to be made for right handed people...it's so frustrating for someone like me who's underhanded.

   God takes care of drunks and babies...do you know how lucky that is for drunk babies?

   Tony is telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   What's another word for word?

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m