Funny Status Messages

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.

   so horny that i'm turned on by the crack of dawn

   when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vajajay" I knew I was at home.

   living in a van down by the river

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Making lunches for my kids I spotted some mold on the block of cheese and was about to throw it away. My mom stopped me and told me to scrape it off. "They won't even notice... just like you never did." Mom is no longer allowed in the kitchen....EVER..!

   dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.

   i hope my mum dont come home soon and catch me in her clothes

   wondering if anyone else thinks that the new Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan looks like Paul Blart in the "Mall Cop" movie?

   why are all black men fast??..... because all the slow ones are in prison

   I download illegally simply because I simply don't want to pay for stuff

   Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)

   I find it funny when people mention 'boys toys' I think of gadgets, cars, consoles. But when they mention 'womens toys' I think of vibrators, nipple clamps and whips

   according to VH1 calling women's boobs chesticles makes me undateable.what a bummer

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   What where Abe Lincoln's first words after he woke up from a three day bender? " I FREED WHO?"

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   You must been born on the freeway .cuz that's where most accidents happen.