Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've gotten so good at deciphering acronyms that I listed is as a qualification on my resume'

   Reading the box for my microwave dinner and the instructions said "take top off...." I was thinking, 'why would I have to take my top off.'

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   Been sitting in front of the TV with my hotdogs trying to roast them and after 45 minutes they're still cold. This fire place channel sucks!.

   I huff and puff and take your welfare away....,,

   My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."

   Remember when people had to entertain themselves on the toilet with a rotary phone.

   Just want to hang out with my friends, regardless of race, and make fun of idiots....regardless of race.

   If anyone called me a tough cookie I would be so insulted because tough cookies are the absolute worse.

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   If we can't put aside our differences in an interracial porn section what hope do we have for the real world?

   There are no skeletons in the closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in the underwear drawer.

   Pro Tip: Taking photos inside a Victoria's Secret to make your own catalog is frowned upon by their management.

   Happy endings run rampant in Disney Princess prostitution ring.

   If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?

   Somedays I have the most intense on and off relationship with my pants.

   5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.

   The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.

   Would love to know what gross pizza joint the Ninja Turtles ordered from that they never questioned delivery to a sewer.

   I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.