Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   Progressives are so used to f---ing everything up they need their own insurance company......

   it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???

   I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.

   Cruz had 5 mistresses? Were they alive?

   Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn't figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.......

   Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich..........

   My favorite holiday is, National Egg Salad Lunch Monday. . .

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   " No way....?!?! I majored in liberal arts too...!!! Btw....would you like fries with that.....???"

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too

   You definitely can't photoshop your ugly personality

   Can we make the Presidential election about the issues and not wives and peter size?? Everyone, probably.

   In my defense your honor. She enjoyed the time she spent in my basement.

   My wife was asking me about some divorcé papers or something. I don't know, it must be French.

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks