Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.

   I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.

   Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   I'd like to give a shout out to Amy Winehouse, who's been drug free for nearly 5 years.

   Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.

   Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?

   ... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)

   Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?

   Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!

   Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?