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An Eskimo in the North Pole was arrested on suspicion of murder. Police want to know what he was doing on the night between September and March. 
No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.
The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
being a mother is like Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave:S
it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
God: An invisible friend for adults
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
A huge mass of slimy ooze is moving towards New Orleans. I'm confused as I didn't think the Eagles played the Saints this year.
I just saw a message in my alphabet soup. It says OOOOOO. Oh wait….I'm eating Cheerios
I was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.
wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!
thought it was called physical education, not physical movement!
just saw an old lady with personalized license plates that said ''rd hd. I wonder if that stands for ''road head''
..loves to wake up with her partner snoring her little heart out behind me...
Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.
The best relationship is the one that's built on love and lust.. sry sry TRUST
“Facebook is the people you went to school with. Twitter is the people you wished you went to school with.”
"Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.
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