MBH Funny Status Messages

   Whenever you see a sword swallower perform, it makes you wonder what sort of activities they used to do to make them realize they had this talent.

   I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.

   When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.

   There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes???

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?