Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
My wife's method of waking me up is pretty much the same as a solider waking up a prisoner of war. 
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like having your wedding reception at Applebees
They call it a "shower" because "aquatic masturbatorium" is too long.
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night especially because I walked there.
SON: Yuck, there is a hair in my mouth. ME: Reminds me of HS when I ate our German exchange students pu- WIFE: *SMACK* ME: ...dding. Pudding.
Chicken soup poured into a dinner bowl looks yummy. Chicken soup poured into a toilet bowl looks disgusting.
So happy!!! My wife just told me she wants to have sex tonight, so while she's out, I'll get some PS4 time.
Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
People die when women are “fine.”
The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.
I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers
Kim and Kanye can now take baby North to visit Grandma and Tranpa!
Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own species.
Heeey, it's Tinder Tuesday! *logs in* Yep. I'm still unlovable within a 50-mile radius.
Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.
Funny how most women are quick to sympathize and lend support and solidarity to a man wanting and pretending to be a woman but are envious, cold hearted and mean to other real women.
You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.
Your personality is a size "0" too.
Going back onto work for the first time after vacation is like running into someone you once knew who you never really liked anyway.
Site Links
© 1999 - 2021 Tjshome.com
