Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....

   I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"

   I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   They tell me that exercise makes you look and feel better about yourself, to them I say, "So does alcohol"

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

   I hired a wedding planner. She just handed me a noose then laughed for twenty minutes.

   Why doesn't my kitchen deliver?

   An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.

   Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Fun Fact: If a rapper raps about how much money he has, I will be downloading his album for free.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year, so I get it half marathon runners.

   Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.

   When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 per hour.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.

   I make breakfast for my 1 night stands. In hopes they tell there friends about me.

   Skinless chicken breasts are more mouthwatering and yummy than regular chicken breasts. Human breasts, however, are more mouthwatering and yummy with the skin on.

   Lindsey Graham announced he is running for president. Nice to have a Southern Belle in the race.

   Liking on Facebook is definitely an addiction for some