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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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needs a woman to give me Blue balls to celebrate BB Kings life...
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05-15-2015 06:31 by
Twangy
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Do people who run marathons not know about cocaine?
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05-15-2015 07:48
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Sometimes I squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward... because that's how I roll.
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05-15-2015 08:11
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Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
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05-15-2015 09:25
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I thought the Mayweather-Pacquio fight was big unti just now when my wife opened the cable bill and saw I paid $100 to watch it.
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05-15-2015 09:27
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Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.
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05-15-2015 09:50
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My wife just decided she will no longer be putting anything unhealthy into her body. Time for me to turn the clothes hanger back into a treadmill.
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05-15-2015 09:52
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Who called it "camel toe" and not... oh wait, "camel toe" was there perfect thing to call it. Good job dude who called it camel toe.
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05-15-2015 09:53
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Someday my kids will find my Twitter account and finally understand why we can't have nice things.
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05-15-2015 09:53
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I don't always text and drive but when I do, its because I have to share a really funny Tweet I just read to Facebook.
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05-15-2015 09:54
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I hate it when you are singing along to a song and the singer gets the words wrong.
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05-15-2015 10:22
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Just got mad at work and smashed my face into my keyboard. Looks like I wrote a new Kanye West song.
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05-15-2015 10:23
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My life is a very complicated drinking game.
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05-15-2015 10:23
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"Do you have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting" ~ R. Kelly at the beach.
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05-15-2015 10:24
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Friend: "Tattoos are so addicting" Me: "You drink, smoke, and watch porn all day. I don't think self-control is your thing"
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05-15-2015 10:25
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"Hell hath no fury" because women have it all.
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05-15-2015 10:26
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Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!!
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05-15-2015 10:27
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If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
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05-15-2015 10:28
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[walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*
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05-15-2015 10:30
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Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.
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05-15-2015 10:31
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