Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Coffee is my favorite coworker,,

   If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me..

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My junk is now 235 feet long.

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   The more someone says, “you know,” the more I begin to feel better about myself.

   I love how my parents think that none of this is their fault.

   Jim of all trades was also versatile though not as well known.

   I do this move in bed called the "Karma Chameleon", where I come and go.

   I prefer to be on whichever side of the bed the sex is going to be on.

   I started to do dishes, and checked Facebook real quick, and that was two years ago.

   My new restaurant "Eat it or go to your room", makes you feel like a kid again!

   I polished my car and now I might go pleasure myself ... wax on/whacks off

   Just a reminder that no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since they force Nickleback on the world.

   Lasagna is a whol elot better once you realize its actually a noodle layer cake with meat filling and cheese frosting.

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Looking for a job

   This bottle of Ny-Quil tastes like I'm drinking on the job and getting away with it

   At this point in my marriage, I'm willing to trade cunnilingus for the 15 mintues of not having to talk.

   That's some really cute pink camoflauge. Do you hunt in the Lolipop Woods or the Peppermint Forest?

   Men, I don't care about your abs, I do care if you drink lite beer. Keep the belly, drink real beer.