Funny Status Messages

   never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

   Ladies - Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).

   your so vain I bet you think this status is about you

   My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   How can I spell s_cess without “U” or c_tie, or _niq_e? I can't even have f_n or good l_ck without “U”. Looks like I just can't s_rvive without… “U”

   I've just decided I want a bunch of kids with several baby mamas, so my children will all look different and I can match em' with my wardrobe

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell...

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   you are like the drummer from REO Speedwagon...nobody knows who you are.

   I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. We are facebook.

   Has anyone out there ever tried Auto Erotic Asphyxiation? I haven't...just curios if anyone else has....

   reading a book....yea I know I was shocked too