Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you ever trying to hi-five a guy in a jean jacket and miss, you have to let him sleep with your wife. Rules are rules.

   You are going to play the lotto in hopes that you win? That's cool. I'm going to play the harpsichord in hopes that a unicorn shows up.

   Hi, and welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Now who wants a cold one?

   If you've ever been to the zoon and seen a gorilla get frustrated and distroy a banana with its fists then you've seem my wife give a hand job.

   I've decided to give up my pre-workout glass of prune juice.

   Trying to explain to my yoga teacher that I can't just "get rid of" this erection.

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also low in calories.

   Just once I would like a number between 1 and 10 think about me.

   If there is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk, its up.

   In sign language, the entire story of my life can be told with a series of face palms.

   The hardest part about dealing with rejection is that I end up liking them more for their ability to make great decisions.

   If your girl ever says “tell me the truth and I won’t be mad” bro lie your ass off, cause she's lying her damn self

   I just want what Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat had.

   Dog strollers are a thing if you were wondering where the trajectory of humanity is taking us.

   My signature dance move is trying to unstick my balls from my leg.

   If you don't talk in a group chat for 5 minutes you miss 42 sets of plans and 56 arguments but if you say something you don't get a reply

   We need a national conversation on why we think we need to have all these national conversations.

   Women like taking boiling hot showers bec it reminds them were they came from , hell

   If you fart in public just yell "Jet Power!" and walk faster.

   I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.