Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love I would probably do for a six pack.

   Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   I don't just burn the bridge, I destroy the road its built on too.

   I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'

   Wouldn't the halftime show have been better if the sharks had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?

   I think it's logical to hate the player, without players there would be no game and I would have a date for Friday night

   why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert?

   once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

   definition of work: activities carried out to maximize the time between two tantrums from my boss!

   The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.

   Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers.

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.

   Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!

   Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.

   Thought I heard birds chirping and almost threw a lamp. It's not spring yet, sky rats.

   I love you like drunk people love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY