Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   Somebody stop the planet, I want to get off!

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Seriously Ladies, stop it with the surveys to see what kind of baby animal, book character, southern belle, princess warrior, superhero or dog you are. Just be a fk’n normal human!!

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.

   I would love to put all the girls I slept with in one room to see if they can figure out what they all had in common

   Females are crazy. You can text your girl "Sweetheart I got those Paris tickets you wanted. My friend Sarah hooked me up" And the only thing she saw was Sarah

   European oral cancer patients are rising at an extremely fast rate. Why you say? They are having the type of cancer which commonly occurs in female gentalïa. Calm Down on those disgusting practices

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.

   One of the most difficult jobs in the world is being a mother. If done wrong, you could ruin someone's future......NO PRESSURE!!!

   Finding a girlfriend isn't difficult...Finding a girl that you WANT as a girlfriend is where things get tricky.

   "Scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages." They’re calling it “Religion.”

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

   Colts player busted for Rape charge....thats it, no joke

   Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...