Funny Status Messages

   I told you officer, I cut the a** out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. No, I don't know who crapped on your car.

   This just in from ESPN. The woman Ben Roethlisberger assaulted is pregnant. The big news is Mel Kiper already has him as a first rounder in his mock draft.

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

   virginity is like a baloon... one prick and it's gone forever.....

   What do you call a black man flyin a plane???? A pilot you RACI$T !!!!

   Lady Gaga preaching abstinence is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety or Kermit the Frog preaching about your finger not smelling like pork.

   I just heard Justin Bieber for the first time and she sounds like a very nice little girl so stop being mean to her!

   Playboy made a mistake passing on Kate Gosselin as a centerfold. I believe America desires to see a uterus that could be used as a three car garage.

   I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.

   I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.

   I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

   You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

   Zynga Inc. needs to re-do "Oregon Trail

   Guy->girl:if we truly are what we eat then I could be you come morning.

   needs 18 more Farmers Daughters.....but not in Farmville

   stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

   "Do I look like a bag, a gadget or a perfume to you?" Stop tagging me if the photo doesn't have my face or my torso or my knee or my... you got what I'm saying

   The Surgeon General has it under good authority that you should never trust a big butt & a smile. It is Poison.

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.