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Everytime she logs onto facebook she feels like she's reading people's diaries. Facebook should change its name to Dear Diary!!! 
Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....
first you want same sex marriage, what's next...same sex divorce
driving the Hummer on Earth Day!!
Nice guys finish.... In the shower
The international symbol for marriage is a white flag.
I saw a jug of 2% milk. I'd actually prefer the whole thing be milk.
Homeless people are like the raccoons of metropolitan areas. Always coming out at night to route through your garbage can with their furry little faces and opposable thumbs.
You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.
My integrity is not for sale and won't be until it can fetch a better price.
Now that I've stopped drinking I don't have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.
When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it's not a trap door.
He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”
They say humans evolved from apes but there are some people who make you reconsider.
Clothes are half of what makes a man who he is. Take your favorite super hero, put him in drag, is he still your favorite?
It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”
Ladies, you need to quit tanning so much! No guy wants to date a woman who can strike a match on her face to smoke a cigarette after sex...
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
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