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I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts. 
I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I feel a jokeke for Chris Brown and Ray Rice Rice coming up. hmmm...maybe after I finish this Brown Rice, I'll knock it out!
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here)
Was scrolling through the guide for Direct TV and came across a program called "Hot Tub Fun". It was an infomercial to sell hot tubs......very disappointed...
I don’t like morning people or mornings or people
Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.
Light beer is like my Uncle James. He sucks too...
wonders if I have ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate
I was going to let you in front of me, but then I saw your Obama bumper & decided I didn't need a stupid driver in front of me this morning.
I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...
My favorite yoga move is the one where I nap under my desk until it's time to leave.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Roger Goodell said he didn’t see the video from the elevator, just the one of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancée. Did he think she just knocked herself out???
If you mess with me i'll be on you like Rice on wife.
Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS
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