Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I will accept drink a case of beer challenge. . .

   Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It's fiction people.

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   Never the trendsetter his cousin Davy was, explorer Stevie Crockett failed in his attempt to popularize the skunkskin cap

   I went to the zoo to see if we really are related to monkeys, and one of them threw poo at me. That’s my cousin jim bob alright

   Burger King has accepted the Tax Duck-it Challenge. They have no challenged Yum Brands, Panera Bread, and White Castle. You have 24 hours or you will have to donate $8 billion to Obama's Economic Patriotism initiative.

   I'm trying to live healthier......but I'm considering taking up cigars, since they're still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.

   I wonder who the first person to see a pig lying in it's own poo and say "I bet that is the tastiest animal on the planet."

   It's true, opposites attract. My wife gets up early and does stuff.

   I am wondering if all of the pot seized by police in other states can be sold to the stoners in Colorado and Washington?

   You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

   I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   Bigger isn't always better. Thighs, for example.

   I just passed the local college andsaw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college in all of my life.

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   When someone you hate gets shot: Omg is the bullet ok?

   I have to be careful. I have an image to protect. You know, the one where I appear to be listening to what you say.

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   When all else fails, go nude.

   I nominate Stephen Hawkings for the ice bucket challenge.