Funny Status Messages

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas

   "Gaga" = A Form Of Dodge Ball ..... Lady Gaga = Lesbian ..... Lesbian = Literally Dodges Balls ... Coincedence ? ... I think Not !

   if a funeral possession is at night, do people drive with their lights off???

   Still in bed, the kid asked me to come downstairs... said he wanted to show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   no one asked you what you think but its nice to know that you do!

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   What's the right age to tell a highway he was adopted? Wont be long til he realizes he doesn't look anything like me

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...

   used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....

   You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin.

   Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb

   I should have taken the red pill. Damn.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   I'm not your knight in shining armor.... I'm more like a jackass covered in aluminum foil

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?