Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   sex with my ex was so terrible that I would intentionally give myself whiskey d*ck.

   it too late to make my Facebook movie?!?!

   'm 50 and my girlfriend is 22. When we went out last night everyone at the bar made faces and call me a Pedophile. It Completely ruine our 10TH Anniversary

   (Sigh) I Got kicked out of Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade , again...

   Neo-Nazi Rapist, Murderer Keith Luke Found Dead In Apparent Suicide. Another Republican off the voters' roll.

   I try to make things last by saving them for a while, which bring me to this moment. It will be bittersweet, I can tell you that. I'm going to enjoy this, but it will also make me sad. I'm about to have my last Easter Egg.

   Apparently when someone posted on Facebook that they found God, asking for a picture is frowned upon!

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world...

   So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

   Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”

   California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.