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A lot of people say they won't play the lottery unless it gets above $100 million. I guess $50 million isn't worth their trouble. 
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫
My wife likes it when I call her during the day just say hi so I'm face-timing her from the mens room!
We're sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
I see you have all behaved well during this year and for your present, Justin Bieber is going to retire from singing. - Yours Santa
Unless its your weeding day, nobody wants to see pics of you kissing all over their newsfeed.
Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings
It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?
If you learn how to talk women into anal sex, you don't need to learn how to install a baby seat in a minivan.
Our first child came at the end of the month so we named him Bill.
If you don't think it gets lonely at the North Pole, take into consideration that Santa named one of his reindeer 'Vixen'.
When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.
In a couple year I'm going to be one of those senior citizens that bites and urinates on people, I already do one of them....
the motion detector in my bedroom is turned on and it never goes off.
Why do people disect every word a pro athlete says? I'm pretty sure none of them are Rhode's Scholars...
Buying someone $1 lottery ticket as a gift and tell them ..."but what if you win".... and look at them light up, while hiding the fact giving them a dollar says they are not worth it!
Miami Heat are a big bunch of cry babies... LeBron is a douche. THEY SUCK!! 