SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   Geez, how many pigs do I have to kill to get the term "hamicide" to catch on.